Estrogen Dampens the Holy Spirit By Matt Mikalatos
via Andrew Bregen
Scientists at the Christian Science Institute (CSI) announced today that estrogen diminishes the flow of the Holy Spirit. “This is a shocking find,” said Ron Boldbee, head scientist at CSI. “And I would like to add before we go any fur¬ther that we are not in any way associated with Christian Science (the religion) or CSI (the television shows).”
Boldbee went on to describe CSI’s ground-breaking work. “For centuries, Christians have used the Bible to argue about the role of women in the church. Here at CSI we thought it was time to turn to science for a definitive answer.
The CSI experiments involved three phases. In Phase One, women were injected with a high dosage of estrogen and then asked to become “filled with the Spirit” using Campus Crusade for Christ’s “Holy Spirit” booklet.
In a nearby room, a group of testosterone-infused men were asked to do the same thing.
The women seemed to be doing well at first. “They were crying and confessing their sins,” Boldbee said. “The men were just sitting there staring at the booklets, flipping through them again and again as if they couldn’t read.”
Boldbee found traditional scientific instruments did not reveal much about the level of Holy Spirit activity at that moment. “I did drop a Bunsen burner, though,” he admitted.
In Phase Two, both groups were asked to deal with a difficult church situation. Before they engaged with the sit¬uation, a second dosage of hormones was injected. The situation involved a man claiming to be homeless coming to the church and asking for money.
“The women took some time to pray as they read about the situation. Then they started crying again.” Boldbee said. “We weren’t sure what to make of this.“The men had a much holier response. They told the man to get a job because ‘he who doesn’t work, doesn’t eat.’ Now that’s what Jesus would do.”
In Phase Three, a Third Wave Pentecostal minister entered the room, administered more hormones and prayed with a laying on of hands. The women, many of whom came from conservative churches, seemed uncertain of what they were meant to do. They thanked the minister for his prayers and he left.
The men, on the other hand, experienced a real outflow of the Spirit upon receiving their third injection of testosterone.
“I have never seen such pandemonium,” Boldbee said. “One man bit another one on the shoulder, after which there was a sort of free-for-all. We had to break into the room and administer sedatives. At one point, I think a man was speaking in tongues. At least, I had never heard language like that before.”
The ministry implications of this experiment threaten to tear at the very fabric of Christian society.
“Now we know why God in His infinite wisdom never wanted women to be pastors,” Boldbee said. “The lessened ability to experience the Holy Spirit cripples women as leaders and as Christians. We are so fortunate that the Lord chose to hardwire them with the ability to be good mothers and wives without the power of the Spirit~Boldbee said he imagines a day when any potential pastor would be tested for their estrogen levels, or seminary classes would require a shot of testosterone before class began, much as is already being done at Southern Bapust Theological Seminars- in Louisville. Ky
“The applications are endless,” he said. - For now we need—for the sake of the church—to remove women from leadership and service everywhere.
When asked for her response to CSI’s forthcoming report. the Rev. Alicia Lockwood said because of low estrogen and my cycle, I don’t trust myself to comment charitably” Lockwood added, however, that she would be interested to see a similar study done on men who deal with issues of pride. alcoholism or lust. “I wonder when a godly woman begins to outperform a backslidden man,” she said.
Boldbee hopes to submit his official report to the CSI board this week as soon as his wife finishes typing up the notes.